fandomania | The Adventure continues... (Reply)

Our eggs:

Our hatchlings:

The Story:

I sighed. I had yet again unwittingly stepped on Donal’s masculinity. I was going to have to apologize and find a way to prove to him that he wasn’t a failure and that just because he wasn’t a swordsman didn’t mean that he was less of a man.

I got out of bed. I decided against calling Mahli, I didn’t want to bother her and I didn’t want to be ordered back to bed. I picked the warmest and easiest outfit to put on. It was late at night and I was sure that it was cold outside. There was no one in the hallway as I left my room. I checked Donal’s room but it was empty. I briefly and quietly checked the nursery but everyone, from nursemaid down to babies, were all asleep. I checked in the family area, which was dark and devoid of people. When I walked by the liquor cabinet, I briefly opened it and took out some alcohol that Pahpey liked to drink. I hadn’t had much experience with alcohol. Most of it tasted foul to me. But I decided that false courage might help me. After a couple of swallows, I decided that the taste was so bad, I never wanted to drink any more. However, it did make me feel warmer after a few minutes. I then went to the back door of the house and let myself out.

The night was full of moonlight which helped me see where things were. I could see the guards at the front gate and patrolling along the wall. I deliberately walked to the only other place I thought Donal might be, which was in his studio. If he wasn’t there, then I was pretty much out of luck talking with him tonight.

As I approached, I could see candle light flickering through the windows. The door was unlocked and slightly ajar. I slipped in as quietly as I could. There I found Donal, standing in the middle of the floor and looking at a large rectangular block of white marble. The only marks on it seemed to be those made by the men who had quarried the stone. Otherwise, it appeared to be untouched. Donal was talking angrily to himself. “I have been starring at this fricking block for several months now, and I haven’t been able to envision what it wants to be. Another one of my failures. Why am I such a failure?”

There didn’t seem to be a better time than now, so I walked closer to Donal and said, “I am very sorry, Donal, if I hurt your feelings and trod on your sensibilities by all that I have said and done. That is the farthest thing from what I wanted to do. I never want to hurt you or upset you, but it seems, lately, that is what I have been doing. I apologize and hope that you can forgive me.”

“Patra?” Donal turned towards me. “What are you doing here, love? You should be in bed. You need your rest.”

“I cannot rest knowing that I have done something that has hurt you. I have come to apologize. My grandmother told me that one should never go to bed in the midst of an argument. That the fight will always get worse in the morning light. One should resolve arguments while they are still fresh.”

“You have done nothing that needs an apology. Go back to bed.”

I sighed and looked down at the floor. “It seems that I have done something. I have somehow emasculated you and made you feel that you are a failure as a man. But nothing could be further from the truth. Why is it in your mind that a soldier is a brave, manly man and being an artist or a husband and a father are not manly attributes? Take Jaizel for example. He could take his sword and could kill hundreds of people with very little effort. I am sure that he did that regularly, because that was his profession. He was a professional killer. He was very good at it. But what he wasn’t good at was love. He didn’t know how to love anyone. He didn’t love me. He didn’t love his children. He didn’t love anyone. He never had the capacity to love. He may have been a brilliant, successful soldier, but as a lover, a husband, a father and a human being, he was a miserable failure.

“You, on the other hand, are a wonderful man. You have the courage to love a very flawed woman and overlook her many problems and secrets. You have the courage to accept and love my children as if they were your own. You had the courage to publicly adopt my children, when most men would have run away. You are probably the best and most considerate lover in the world. You always make sure that I have been fulfilled before you seek your own pleasure. Do you know how unusual that is? How manly that is? Any idiot with a sword can kill someone. It takes a real man, a real hero, to commit himself to love and a family, especially a ready made one. Donal, you are my lover, my husband, my hero. I could not ask for a better, manlier man than you are.”

Donal leaned against the marble block, and then he slid down the block until the floor stopped his slide. He was desperately trying to control his emotions, but it was obvious to me that he had been hiding them far too long and they came erupting out of him like lava out of a volcano. He leaned his head back against the block, his face suffused with raw emotion and tears running down his face. He finally looked down at his hands and said, “All my life I have been the inadequate, mediocre son. ‘Donal, why can’t you be as strong as your brother, Joss?’ ‘Donal, why can’t you be more talented like your brother, Teo?’ ‘Donal, why can’t you get better grades in school, like your brother, Manzo?’ ‘Donal, your sculpture is childish.’ ‘Donal, your work is crap. No one would want to look at it. I don’t want to look at it.’ And so on. It got so bad that I had to leave or I would have lost whatever bit of myself that I had left. I decided to go to Rawn-Devu to beg one of the masters there to take me on as his student. But I never got there. The caravan that I was traveling with was attacked and everyone still alive was taken captive and sold at auction as a slave. I was helpless against anything that the slavers wanted to do to me. I was terrified that they would castrate me or sell me to some man as his sex toy. I lucked out that Old Man Baskin was in a buying mood and I was sold to him. He wasn’t the best owner. But I saw others who were treated worse. I endured four years of mind numbing humiliation from him and his family. Then one day, a beautiful angel walked into the shop and offered to buy me from Baskin for almost ten times the price he paid for me. His greed allowed me to be freed at last. Ever since then, whenever trouble came calling and you needed help, it was others who saved you, not me. I bumbled around and either almost get myself killed or did something that made your situation worse. I am very happy that you love me. I treasure your love more than the rarest of gems. But when I see myself in the mirror, all I see is a failure and wonder why you can love me so.”

I sat down next to Donal and leaned my head against his shoulder. “We are quite a pair, sweeting. With all of the scars, both mental and physical that Jaizel inflicted on me, I wonder how it is that you can love me. You don’t know half of what he did to me. If you did, I know that you would divorce me in a second and be grateful to be rid of me.”

“Never! There is nothing that you could say or do which would possibly make me want to do that. So try me! If I am as brave and courageous as you say that I am, then give me a chance to prove this to myself. Tell me your worst secret. Let me help you through this? Please trust me enough to let me help you?”

I sighed. I tried to find the words and frame them carefully, but nothing came together in the way that I liked, so I decided to start slowly. I took a deep breath and looked at Donal directly and said, “Jayzon is not Jaizel’s son and he knew it from the moment of Jayzon’s conception. That is why, when Jaizel came to Riverford, he only asked for his son, Reuel.”

That seemed to have thrown Donal for a loop. He looked at me stunned for several minutes. He then took me into his arms and help me close. “I wasn’t expecting that, I will admit,” he said quietly, “But that doesn’t in any way, shape or form make want to divorce you. Please tell me more? Did you have an affair?”

“No.”

“Did Jaizel have someone rape you?”

“Yes.”

“I suppose he watched you being raped?”

“Yes, along with several of his cronies.”

Donal swore some more under his breath for several minutes

“Do you know who it was who raped you?”

“Yes.”

“Who?”

“My father.”